So Hillary suggested that I blog to let out my emotions and struggles so here I am blogging for the first time in years.

Today I came home from church youth service, and when I reached home I started crying very badly because I felt like a loser and a social outcast. Why, you may ask? Three months ago, I moved up to youth from teens service. So basically, teens service is those from secondary 1 to JC2, and youth is for university students and older. Since I just entered uni life, I had to move up from teens to youth.

My experience transitioning from my previous church to my current church in Sec 3 was quite rough. I was very shy, didn't know anybody. In addition, most of the people in teens knew each other since Sunday school, so they were already quite close knitted and it was hard for me to fit in. I remember crying almost every week after church for months because I felt there was something wrong with me. Eventually, I made one friend- Cheryll. She was also quite new (though not as new as me), and she was shy and quiet too. Eventually, we grew closer because we were both new. She was my only friend for months, and I would have quit going to teens if it were not for her. Eventually (slowly very slowly) I made friends, but I always felt I never made any deep connections. Besides Cheryll, there was one other friend I made called Talenta. She was also very new, but it was around one year after I joined Teens. Nonetheless, I instantly connected with Talenta. Maybe we were in the same age, (although diff. secondary school levels). Anyway, we instantly became close and Cheryll and Talenta really helped bring me out of my shelf. If you are reading this, it probably means you know me quite well for me to let you read this hehe so you prob know I am very talkative around people I am comfortable with Anyway, basically Cheryll and Talenta moved to America for further studies, so I had friends but not close friends. Somemore, the older i got, the lesser people that were around my age. So i never got to share a proper fellowship with somebody my age. But I didn't really mind because I had other close Christian friends like Rachel and Hillary


Okay, sorry for the long backstory. Fast forward to now, so I have to move up to Youth. At first, I was really scared. There have been many rumours that Youth is very cold and unwelcoming. But i forced myself to go in with an open mind, and to stay back after service to make friends. Somehow, I always ended up talking to people who came for the first time. Those who have been in youth for very long, they're naturally very close to each other. After service, they would always stand in small circles, talking to each other. Anyway, I didn't really think much of it. But with each week passed, I felt a growing emptiness in my heart. The main purpose of going for Youth is to honesty build fellowship with people the same age as you. Some may argue that hearing the word of God is the most important, which is also true. But if you wanted to hear the Word of God, there are other opportunities like Friday service for all ages.

So anyway, a few small things happened. Individually, they mean nothing but when combined, they have a big effect.

1. I knew one church senior in Youth. She plays the piano. After service, she was talking to her friend at the piano. I went up to her, because I felt comfortable enough with her. They kept talking like I wasn't there, which I did'nt mind because they were having a conversation and I did'nt want to intterupt. But after they finished the conversation, both of them just walked off. At least my church senior smiled at me. The other girl, who ironically serves in Youth, walked off without even saying a word or talking to me.

2. I wasn't able to come for one time because I had camp. Nobody asked me why I didn't come, nobody cared. Again pls take note that individually, these issues didn't affect me. But once you combine, it eventually pushed me off the edge, 

3. Another church senior, I knew because she was from teens and moved up 2 years back. She often complained she could not stand Youth, often wanting to stay in Teens. Now, she has many friends and refuses to help out with Teens, (oh well that is her choice). But today, after church, i went up to her to wish her happy birthday. (I even texted her but she didn't reply. I just got her number from a church senior so I am pretty sure she didn't change her number). Anyway, she was busy talking to her friend in a typical social circle. I stood behind them for 2 minutes, poked her 3 times just to let her know I am there. She didn't even turn around. Ok so maybe she is just very blur, but eventually when I walked off and looked back, her friend pointed to me. That senior looked back, looked at me, but didn't beckon me to come, just turned back talking to her friend.

During the whole time, there were around 5 people in the circle. Did the other 3 even try to ask me to join? NO, they did not.

Just found it esp ironic and disappointing from that senior. She knows first hand how hard it is to transition, yet now because she has many friends, she forgets about others.

There are other mini incidents but I dont want to mention them because they are too small to mention. I found it very very ironic that this is the "welcome tea" period, where many new people are coming from Indo. The MCs talk about being a family, having fellowship. But honestly, do they even care? NO. I heard that one of the comm members was sobbing a few days back because so little people were responding to their efforts to invite them to come for the first time. My thought was:


Whats the point of inviting new people when you don't even bother to make them stay?

I also realized that the first week, some people will try to talk to. But after the second week, they'll revert back to their cliques.

Ok so at this point, you may think

1) Nancy, maybe YOU are at fault, maybe you just can;t socialize.

For MONTHS, i Blamed myself. I thought i was a social loser, that I just couldn't interact. Now I dont 100% feel that I am a social butterfly. However, after going through 2 different Uni camps, going through 3 weeks of uni life with last week starting out tutorials, in which I didn't know anyone in 3 tutorials but managed to make a few friends. In JC, in secondary school I had no problem making friends. So i'm starting to think, am i really abnormal? I feel more comfortable with people I just met for 2 days in camps then in 3 months of going to weekly Youth Service. You may say, well maybe coz camps are conducive environments to make friends. I don't disagree. HOWEVER, it is no excuse for a youth service to be cold and uncaring to new people.

2) Nancy, maybe You should stop complaining, and try to put in more effort.

In which I can safely say, i have put in effort. If i didn't, after service I would immediately go home and not bother trying to make friends. But I stayed back many times just to try.

3) Nancy, you should stop expecting people to cater to you, stop demanding attention.

The thing is, I don't expect people to come up to me, to accompany me the whole service, to talk to me for an hour. WHAT  I EXPECT is when I'm standing on the outskirts of social circles, that somebody reaches out, drags me into the conversation. That when I am sitting alone, somebody comes and says HI (not even sit next to me). These are the basic expectations for anyone in any church. I'm not even talking about noticing it when I don't come and asking about it.

I would like to compare this to 2 similar scenarios.

Recently, after joining uni, I decided to try out their Indonesian Christian Fellowship (ICF)
After joining the welcome tea and of course writing down my details, I got smses from 2 different people, asking me how am I and if I wanted to attend some more sessions. They changed the location last minute and I got a bit lost, so one of them (The PRESIDENT i heard), came down to the bus stop to fetch us. Wow how hospitable is that? After the session, one of them even texted me again to ask me how I felt about the session. That's called FOLLOWING UP and actually caring. I felt very touched and it made me wanna go for more.

Another one was also unrelated. My friend signed up for Campus Crusade, another Christian Organization in NUS. I decided to join CF already, but one of the seniors from CC Contacted me, asking me to meet up with her. AT first, I thought she was just trying to "plug" her CCA. I politely turned her down. However, she still asked to meet up with her, just to ask me how I am getting on with uni and if i need any help. Indeed, when I met up with her for a short 15 minutes (that was because of my schedule, not hers), she really did ask me how I was, and I could see she was genuine. Not once did she force me to join her CCA. I felt, wow, this is a complete stranger, she's busy coz she's in year 3, she came down all the way from business. Now this is what i call genuine care, and I can truly see the love of Christ shining in her, even though I only met her for 15 minutes.

So yes, I know we should not compare. But I feel so fed up and disappointed in the youth fellowship. Just gonna quote some Bible verses, which I actually just heard today at a wedding:

1 Corinthians 13 New International Version (NIV)

it's been such a long time since i blogged, this is such a weird feeling :x
i have no idea if this is a good idea, since O's are this year, but anyway nobody would read this (maybe except YOU hillary) haha so yeah

i feel like writing this weird (but enlightening) analogy that i thought of recently.
i think each and every one of us here are like diamonds. God made us in His image right? so we are beautifully and wonderfully made. But we often sin, get angry, harbor bitterness anger jealousy towards others. And sin is somewhat like dirt, and they stick on to the diamonds, making them dirty. The more we get angry, the more we sin, the more we walk off from the path God intended us to walk on, more dirt, more mud sticks onto the surface of our diamonds. And we often rely on ourselves and not on God to rescue us from our troubles, hence we heap even more dirt and mud.

So imagine, this really awesome, brilliant, PRECIOUS diamond, being covered in mud and dirt. wouldnt this jewel look like an ordinary rock? Our potential cant be reached, we cant properly shine. And we try our best to wipe off the dirt, with all our strength and energy. And we end up feeling tired, worn out, just because we chose to rely on ourselves.

Well you know, the only way to wipe away all the mud and dirt, is ofcourse, through God! Our detergent (or sandpaper or whatever) is Jesus's blood, the precious blood He shed for us on the cross to forgive our sins. And the only way God's detergent (lol) can wipe the mud clean is when we allow Him to, when we let go of our pride and bitterness and sadness to just rely on His strength, His love and His peace.

After God's sandpapered all the mud and dirt away, our diamonds are clean, and they will be able to shine, to show everyone how bright and wonderful they are! And with every time somebody heaps mud on you, and you allow God to sandpaper all that mud away, you become even shinier and even brighter. And we are able to live up to our potential, and live our lives the way we;re suppose to be.

God's love is all we need. We often forget that and cling to our selfish pride, our ego. We waste so much energy and time, when we just need to kneel and cry out to God to help us. And God always listens. He will rescue us and give us the peace we need.

I love you God. You're all i need :)


HELLO NANCY IS BACK


LOL. FIRST POST IN 10 YRS!!
this blog is
like so dead
i think nobody reads this alrd.. OH WELL
HAHAHA
I DONT CARE
i shall write here now.
for today

anyhuu... i think i miss 2F, and e 8jm and the 8 dahlings and annabel jiale.. actually tts like all the girls LOL
and like sighsssssss
upper sec life soo hard
so many hw and tests

and physics makes me want to fall asleep
sighs....
OH WELL
TMRW GOT CHURCH YAY!!! CAN SEE CRYSTAL.
HAHAHA OK nth to write here
byeeeeeeeeeeeee


hello
since like 5 ppl ask me to update my once dead blog
today yappy and st come my house !!
actually nic supose to come loh
but anywayss then we play piano guitar and each others phones!!

ok i no mood post alrdy byebye


i thought you trusted me
guess i was freakin dumb


hi
council camp was very fun :D
yeah
i updating yeah for me
and
so
yesterday couldnt go west coast coz got dance
then met the rest of my department to eat pizza LOL
oh then we played this trivia game
ahh very fun sia
and i was in the same group as peter chong
zzz
lol
and i made new friends
YEAH
and got to know some better
shi min!! and
some ppl extraded sia
cough cough curtis

lol and i had a nice time :D
my group won i think
180 points? lol yeah

then today had wet games
quite fun lol
yeah ok thats all
i like home from michael buble
hahaaa

i will always remember you.
always

about yourself, like duh. :D

So Hillary suggested that I blog to let out my emotions and struggles so here I am blogging for the first time in years.

Today I came home from church youth service, and when I reached home I started crying very badly because I felt like a loser and a social outcast. Why, you may ask? Three months ago, I moved up to youth from teens service. So basically, teens service is those from secondary 1 to JC2, and youth is for university students and older. Since I just entered uni life, I had to move up from teens to youth.

My experience transitioning from my previous church to my current church in Sec 3 was quite rough. I was very shy, didn't know anybody. In addition, most of the people in teens knew each other since Sunday school, so they were already quite close knitted and it was hard for me to fit in. I remember crying almost every week after church for months because I felt there was something wrong with me. Eventually, I made one friend- Cheryll. She was also quite new (though not as new as me), and she was shy and quiet too. Eventually, we grew closer because we were both new. She was my only friend for months, and I would have quit going to teens if it were not for her. Eventually (slowly very slowly) I made friends, but I always felt I never made any deep connections. Besides Cheryll, there was one other friend I made called Talenta. She was also very new, but it was around one year after I joined Teens. Nonetheless, I instantly connected with Talenta. Maybe we were in the same age, (although diff. secondary school levels). Anyway, we instantly became close and Cheryll and Talenta really helped bring me out of my shelf. If you are reading this, it probably means you know me quite well for me to let you read this hehe so you prob know I am very talkative around people I am comfortable with Anyway, basically Cheryll and Talenta moved to America for further studies, so I had friends but not close friends. Somemore, the older i got, the lesser people that were around my age. So i never got to share a proper fellowship with somebody my age. But I didn't really mind because I had other close Christian friends like Rachel and Hillary


Okay, sorry for the long backstory. Fast forward to now, so I have to move up to Youth. At first, I was really scared. There have been many rumours that Youth is very cold and unwelcoming. But i forced myself to go in with an open mind, and to stay back after service to make friends. Somehow, I always ended up talking to people who came for the first time. Those who have been in youth for very long, they're naturally very close to each other. After service, they would always stand in small circles, talking to each other. Anyway, I didn't really think much of it. But with each week passed, I felt a growing emptiness in my heart. The main purpose of going for Youth is to honesty build fellowship with people the same age as you. Some may argue that hearing the word of God is the most important, which is also true. But if you wanted to hear the Word of God, there are other opportunities like Friday service for all ages.

So anyway, a few small things happened. Individually, they mean nothing but when combined, they have a big effect.

1. I knew one church senior in Youth. She plays the piano. After service, she was talking to her friend at the piano. I went up to her, because I felt comfortable enough with her. They kept talking like I wasn't there, which I did'nt mind because they were having a conversation and I did'nt want to intterupt. But after they finished the conversation, both of them just walked off. At least my church senior smiled at me. The other girl, who ironically serves in Youth, walked off without even saying a word or talking to me.

2. I wasn't able to come for one time because I had camp. Nobody asked me why I didn't come, nobody cared. Again pls take note that individually, these issues didn't affect me. But once you combine, it eventually pushed me off the edge, 

3. Another church senior, I knew because she was from teens and moved up 2 years back. She often complained she could not stand Youth, often wanting to stay in Teens. Now, she has many friends and refuses to help out with Teens, (oh well that is her choice). But today, after church, i went up to her to wish her happy birthday. (I even texted her but she didn't reply. I just got her number from a church senior so I am pretty sure she didn't change her number). Anyway, she was busy talking to her friend in a typical social circle. I stood behind them for 2 minutes, poked her 3 times just to let her know I am there. She didn't even turn around. Ok so maybe she is just very blur, but eventually when I walked off and looked back, her friend pointed to me. That senior looked back, looked at me, but didn't beckon me to come, just turned back talking to her friend.

During the whole time, there were around 5 people in the circle. Did the other 3 even try to ask me to join? NO, they did not.

Just found it esp ironic and disappointing from that senior. She knows first hand how hard it is to transition, yet now because she has many friends, she forgets about others.

There are other mini incidents but I dont want to mention them because they are too small to mention. I found it very very ironic that this is the "welcome tea" period, where many new people are coming from Indo. The MCs talk about being a family, having fellowship. But honestly, do they even care? NO. I heard that one of the comm members was sobbing a few days back because so little people were responding to their efforts to invite them to come for the first time. My thought was:


Whats the point of inviting new people when you don't even bother to make them stay?

I also realized that the first week, some people will try to talk to. But after the second week, they'll revert back to their cliques.

Ok so at this point, you may think

1) Nancy, maybe YOU are at fault, maybe you just can;t socialize.

For MONTHS, i Blamed myself. I thought i was a social loser, that I just couldn't interact. Now I dont 100% feel that I am a social butterfly. However, after going through 2 different Uni camps, going through 3 weeks of uni life with last week starting out tutorials, in which I didn't know anyone in 3 tutorials but managed to make a few friends. In JC, in secondary school I had no problem making friends. So i'm starting to think, am i really abnormal? I feel more comfortable with people I just met for 2 days in camps then in 3 months of going to weekly Youth Service. You may say, well maybe coz camps are conducive environments to make friends. I don't disagree. HOWEVER, it is no excuse for a youth service to be cold and uncaring to new people.

2) Nancy, maybe You should stop complaining, and try to put in more effort.

In which I can safely say, i have put in effort. If i didn't, after service I would immediately go home and not bother trying to make friends. But I stayed back many times just to try.

3) Nancy, you should stop expecting people to cater to you, stop demanding attention.

The thing is, I don't expect people to come up to me, to accompany me the whole service, to talk to me for an hour. WHAT  I EXPECT is when I'm standing on the outskirts of social circles, that somebody reaches out, drags me into the conversation. That when I am sitting alone, somebody comes and says HI (not even sit next to me). These are the basic expectations for anyone in any church. I'm not even talking about noticing it when I don't come and asking about it.

I would like to compare this to 2 similar scenarios.

Recently, after joining uni, I decided to try out their Indonesian Christian Fellowship (ICF)
After joining the welcome tea and of course writing down my details, I got smses from 2 different people, asking me how am I and if I wanted to attend some more sessions. They changed the location last minute and I got a bit lost, so one of them (The PRESIDENT i heard), came down to the bus stop to fetch us. Wow how hospitable is that? After the session, one of them even texted me again to ask me how I felt about the session. That's called FOLLOWING UP and actually caring. I felt very touched and it made me wanna go for more.

Another one was also unrelated. My friend signed up for Campus Crusade, another Christian Organization in NUS. I decided to join CF already, but one of the seniors from CC Contacted me, asking me to meet up with her. AT first, I thought she was just trying to "plug" her CCA. I politely turned her down. However, she still asked to meet up with her, just to ask me how I am getting on with uni and if i need any help. Indeed, when I met up with her for a short 15 minutes (that was because of my schedule, not hers), she really did ask me how I was, and I could see she was genuine. Not once did she force me to join her CCA. I felt, wow, this is a complete stranger, she's busy coz she's in year 3, she came down all the way from business. Now this is what i call genuine care, and I can truly see the love of Christ shining in her, even though I only met her for 15 minutes.

So yes, I know we should not compare. But I feel so fed up and disappointed in the youth fellowship. Just gonna quote some Bible verses, which I actually just heard today at a wedding:

1 Corinthians 13 New International Version (NIV)

it's been such a long time since i blogged, this is such a weird feeling :x
i have no idea if this is a good idea, since O's are this year, but anyway nobody would read this (maybe except YOU hillary) haha so yeah

i feel like writing this weird (but enlightening) analogy that i thought of recently.
i think each and every one of us here are like diamonds. God made us in His image right? so we are beautifully and wonderfully made. But we often sin, get angry, harbor bitterness anger jealousy towards others. And sin is somewhat like dirt, and they stick on to the diamonds, making them dirty. The more we get angry, the more we sin, the more we walk off from the path God intended us to walk on, more dirt, more mud sticks onto the surface of our diamonds. And we often rely on ourselves and not on God to rescue us from our troubles, hence we heap even more dirt and mud.

So imagine, this really awesome, brilliant, PRECIOUS diamond, being covered in mud and dirt. wouldnt this jewel look like an ordinary rock? Our potential cant be reached, we cant properly shine. And we try our best to wipe off the dirt, with all our strength and energy. And we end up feeling tired, worn out, just because we chose to rely on ourselves.

Well you know, the only way to wipe away all the mud and dirt, is ofcourse, through God! Our detergent (or sandpaper or whatever) is Jesus's blood, the precious blood He shed for us on the cross to forgive our sins. And the only way God's detergent (lol) can wipe the mud clean is when we allow Him to, when we let go of our pride and bitterness and sadness to just rely on His strength, His love and His peace.

After God's sandpapered all the mud and dirt away, our diamonds are clean, and they will be able to shine, to show everyone how bright and wonderful they are! And with every time somebody heaps mud on you, and you allow God to sandpaper all that mud away, you become even shinier and even brighter. And we are able to live up to our potential, and live our lives the way we;re suppose to be.

God's love is all we need. We often forget that and cling to our selfish pride, our ego. We waste so much energy and time, when we just need to kneel and cry out to God to help us. And God always listens. He will rescue us and give us the peace we need.

I love you God. You're all i need :)


HELLO NANCY IS BACK


LOL. FIRST POST IN 10 YRS!!
this blog is
like so dead
i think nobody reads this alrd.. OH WELL
HAHAHA
I DONT CARE
i shall write here now.
for today

anyhuu... i think i miss 2F, and e 8jm and the 8 dahlings and annabel jiale.. actually tts like all the girls LOL
and like sighsssssss
upper sec life soo hard
so many hw and tests

and physics makes me want to fall asleep
sighs....
OH WELL
TMRW GOT CHURCH YAY!!! CAN SEE CRYSTAL.
HAHAHA OK nth to write here
byeeeeeeeeeeeee


hello
since like 5 ppl ask me to update my once dead blog
today yappy and st come my house !!
actually nic supose to come loh
but anywayss then we play piano guitar and each others phones!!

ok i no mood post alrdy byebye


i thought you trusted me
guess i was freakin dumb


hi
council camp was very fun :D
yeah
i updating yeah for me
and
so
yesterday couldnt go west coast coz got dance
then met the rest of my department to eat pizza LOL
oh then we played this trivia game
ahh very fun sia
and i was in the same group as peter chong
zzz
lol
and i made new friends
YEAH
and got to know some better
shi min!! and
some ppl extraded sia
cough cough curtis

lol and i had a nice time :D
my group won i think
180 points? lol yeah

then today had wet games
quite fun lol
yeah ok thats all
i like home from michael buble
hahaaa

i will always remember you.
always